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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Moving forward..

Now that I've started to get a bit of separation from cutting, I feel like I'm forced to face the fact that without self-harm, I don't know who I am.  I've never really been able to imagine my life without it, so now that my life is happening without it, I don't really know what to do or how to feel.

I keep thinking that it shouldn't be any different from any of the other times I've stopped self-harming.  That I can just live my life the same way I did all those times...especially the times I was free of it for almost a year.

But here's the thing.. living my life that way will not not help me.  It won't get me through this, and ultimately, it will just lead me right back to where I started.  Cutting and/or burning myself.

In the past, I've stopped cutting.. great, right?  Not so much.  Because that's about all I did.  I stopped cutting, but didn't really go any further than that.  I didn't work on myself.  I mean, sure, I saw a therapist.. but when you're not fully, completely, 100% committed to helping yourself, seeing a therapist is useless.  Because the reality is, recovery isn't something anybody can do for another person.  Recovery is a huge commitment that a person has to make to themselves before anyone else.

Yes, other people can be there.  Other people can help, and they can be supportive.  But what I've learned this time, what I think is different, is that I now know that nobody can force me to recover from this.  I think what's different this time, is that I'm ready to make that commitment to myself. 

I feel so overwhelmed right now.  Because, as committed as I am to getting better, I am absolutely terrified by the thought of never cutting again.  It scares me, because it means I'm letting go of something that has been a really big part of my life for the past decade.  Self-harm was something that I spent a long time believing was the only thing keeping me going (I now know that I was wrong).  It's really hard to just stand up and walk away from that.

It feels like a loss.  Even though I know I'm doing the best possible thing for myself, it feels like I've lost a part of myself.  An important part of my life.  I really hope that feeling goes away soon.

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