Here We Go Again

I think things are finally getting back on track for me.  It's been one hell of a month.

I've been really struggling with myself lately, and just with life in general.  I've been doing a lot of things I shouldn't, like avoiding the people I need to surround myself with most.  Completely isolating myself.  I think that's about the most unhealthy thing I can do for myself right now.

I came so close to relapsing back into my self-destructive ways.  There have been several times in the past couple weeks where it would have been so easy for me to either pick up a blade or get completely smashed.  But somehow, with the help of whatever higher power or god or whatever it is watching over me, I didn't.  I'm not drunk, and I haven't hurt myself.

Today, I started getting back into good habits.  Went out this afternoon with friends, and actually socialized.  I did a lot of thinking, made some decisions. 

And on Tuesday, I'll still be able to celebrate 8 months free of self-harming.  :)

Change

I actually wrote this on December 21, but I'm just posting this now.  It's kind of about how much things have changed in the past year or so.

***

I was just thinking about something I wrote about a year ago.  I was a complete wreck.  Reading it, I could hardly even understand myself.  My thoughts were so jumbled then, all just one big mess.  Even for being drunk…I was a mess.

So now I can’t help thinking about how different I am this year.  I feel like I’m more of a complete person.  Less of being someone who just wants to spend the holidays drunk, less of someone who deferred exams a year ago because they were high on codeine for most of a month then wrote them drunk in January.  I’m now someone who cares.

I care about a lot of things now.  I care about my life more than I think I ever have in the entire 21 years of my existence.  The fact that I’m still alive, after everything that’s happened, honestly amazes me.  I still sometimes wonder how it’s even remotely possible.  But it must be possible, because here I am, still breathing.  Still above ground.

I care about my future.  And not just in the career sense.  Sure I’m studying psychology at school, and eventually, I want to become a clinical psychologist so I can hopefully help people get through things like I had to get through.  But that’s not the only thing in my future I care about.  I want to live a long, happy, healthy life.  And I’m doing things now for my health that will help that happen.  Swimming has become one of the big things I do for my health…I love it, it’s the best way to relieve stress.  And eating healthy, of course is a big one.  Hey, you can’t be healthy if you don’t have healthy habits.  :)

I care about the people around me.  I have the most amazing boyfriend, and the fact that he’s stuck with me while I’ve been to hell and back, just amazes me.  There are times when I’ve screwed up massively and been basically a terrible person, and I sometimes wonder how I deserve someone so wonderful.  My brother is growing up to be a really amazing person, and my sister….well, I see more of myself in her every day.   Without a doubt, I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for these people.

I never expected my life to turn out this way.  I didn’t expect to have so much in my past.  But my life began to change last spring, and although there have been some pretty unbelievable ups and downs, this has been a year of growth.  This has been a year of getting to know who I am and who I want to be.  And a year of those two things slowly inching closer together.

Slowly, I’m becoming a happier person.  My moods are becoming more balanced, and I’ve learned to honestly take care of myself and act like a responsible adult. 

Reflecting upon all this stuff, I’m pretty emotional.  I have tears in my eyes as I’m typing this.

I’m stronger than I was a year ago.  There’s no doubt about it. 

And I’m so much less manipulative, and more honest.  I’ve learned that there are some things I just can’t control, and that trying to do everything on my own is impossible.  I’ve learned that being alone is a choice, and that lonely is something I never have to be if I don’t want to be.

I think I’ve learned that if I want to, and if I try to stay positive, I can get through anything.

And most of all, life is pretty beautiful when I let it be.

Quite a contrast to last year’s Christmas.