Total Pageviews

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Circles can be broken..

Thinking more about what I wrote last night...about going in circles.

Circles can be broken.  I don't have to stay in the same patterns forever.  It's a choice.  A very difficult choice, but still a choice.

And right now, I'm making a choice to break the pattern I've allowed myself to stay stuck in.  I just threw out the razor blades I had been cutting with.

I know that it shouldn't have even been a question.  Logically, there was no reason for me to remain so attached to those blades.  They're just a tiny object.  But they represented so much more.

They represented escape.  Denial.  Avoidance.  And yet, at the same time, they also represented the one thing that I felt was holding me together.  It's crazy terrifying how much one blade can influence a person's thinking.  My need to cut made me believe that I couldn't live without it...that I could never survive without it.

But here's the thing.. my need to cut was also putting my life in danger.  Not the cuts themselves, but what they led to.  My cutting was not an attempt to end my life, but over the past few years, I've noticed a pattern that once I started cutting, I started spiraling into deeper and deeper depression to the point where I felt that ending my life was the only solution.  It just goes to show that cutting never held me together.. it was actually, literally, tearing me apart.

Yes, I've only been free of cutting for 17 days.  But I feel like my whole perspective on my life is shifting...I want to be healthy.  I want to move forward.

And I've also realized just how dangerous my thinking patterns have been over the years.  And how lucky I am to still be alive after all that.  I want to experience life, not run from it.

So... here I am, alone in my room on a Thursday night, feeling like I've made a huge step in the right direction.  There are going to be millions and millions of little steps along the way, but I've just taken the first step.  And it feels good.  Finally.

No comments:

Post a Comment