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Thursday, May 3, 2012

"'cause you can bandage the damage;

you never really can fix a heart."

I feel like the past few days have been a struggle.  My mood has just been kind of low again. 
And I hate this.
I don't want this to be a daily struggle, even though I know it is.

It just feels like I'm always fighting something.  Getting exercise and eating properly when I feel horrible inside, trying to sleep when my mind is racing, it just feels like it's always something.

It's frustrating, and exhausting. 
But I know I have to keep going, because....maybe my life has a greater purpose than just existing.

I failed at taking my own life last year; there has to be a reason for that.  Things have to get better.

"Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?


You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper."

This song (Demi Lovato - Skyscraper) is something that keeps me strong in times like this.  I don't know why; it sounds cliche, but listening to music like this really does help.
Actually, Demi Lovato in general just inspires me.  So much.

"You're beautiful; and you're worth more than harming yourself."  .... I find myself having to tell myself this a million times a day lately.
But tomorrow, I'll have three weeks free of self-harming again.  I remember last year when three weeks felt like a lifetime, and it does again now.  But I'm staying strong, one day, one hour, one minute, sometimes even one second at a time.

Stay strong.  <3

Monday, April 23, 2012

Packing.  Cleaning.  I'm getting ready to move home for the summer. 
And I have so much to do between now and then.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

"call it a curse, or just call me blessed....

....if you can't handle my worst, you ain't gettin' my best."

Things have been a little more balanced recently.  I've been taking good care of myself (or at least trying to), so that's probably why.  I actually went to bed around 9pm last night, and it was wonderful.  I haven't gone to bed that early in...years.  The best part is, after 9 1/2 hours of sleep, I managed to successfully wake up at 6:30 for the second day in a row and went to work....in a good mood.  Not manic-ish, just....good.  Even though I don't work a double shift tomorrow, I plan to do the same again tonight.
I know that sleep will continue to be a struggle for me, though.  There will be times when I won't want to sleep for days, and other times when I'll want to do nothing but sleep for...days.  But I'll keep working on it.
Exercise has been...good.  I've been doing a lot of rollerblading, a bit of running, and I like to think my job counts as exercise too (who am I kidding?  eight hours of walking definitely qualifies).  I want to start swimming again soon, too, for sure.

As for now, however, I need to get back to studying.  Will post again soon!

ps, song of the day - Marilyn Monroe - Nicki Minaj  :)

Saturday, March 31, 2012

what am i to say....

I just wanted to post what's been going on with me lately (and yes, I will try to post more often again).

Things have been so up and down lately, and two weeks ago, everything came crashing down and I ended up in the hospital for 13 days.  Even though it was a really horrible part of my life, I'm so grateful that I made it to the hospital and got help for my issues.

I now know that this is going to be a daily battle, but I also know that I have the strength to get through it.  As long as I make sure getting healthy remains my number one priority, no matter what.

So I've dropped three of my four courses at school.  This means I'll have a lot less stress in my life, and a lot more time - for getting better.  I can go to the gym, eat super healthy, sleep regularly, etc.

I've learned that taking care of myself is the absolute best thing I can do for my mental health.  So I'm doing my best to go to bed at the same time every night.  After years of sleeping very irregularly, it's a lot harder than it sounds.  I remember many times where I felt like I was missing out on life if I went to sleep - I can't do that anymore.  I have to sleep or I risk my mental health falling apart all over again.
As well as that, there's eating properly and making sure I get lots of exercise.

And the biggest battle - not self-harming.
I hate to say it, but through the hell I recently went through, I relapsed after nine and a half months.  It was an awful feeling, but I'm trying to remind myself constantly that those couple weeks where I was self-harming again DO NOT ERASE those nine months.  And that if I got to nine months before, I can do it again. 

I can do this.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Today has been slightly less of a struggle.

I'm really noticing that I tend to struggle most at night (especially later in the night), so I'm going to try and get a more regular sleep pattern started.  Hopefully that will help at least a little.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not as strong as I tell myself I am. 

I'm really struggling tonight, to be totally honest.  I don't even know why; it's not like anything bad has happened.  Not much has happened at all. 

And yet, somehow, I'm sitting here, alone, and that voice in the back of my head is telling me that it would be okay if I cut, just once.  That nobody would have to know.  It's the most twisted messed up type of thinking....it's like a game my brain plays with itself.  Like a war to see which will outweight the other; my growth in the past year and the knowledge that I can do better for myself, or the addiction.

I feel like I've put on a brave face for a lot of the people around me.  I want my driver's license, so I pretend everything is fine when I go to the psychiatrist.  I don't want friends to worry, so again, I pretend I'm fine.

But it feels like a part of me is broken.

I've been fighting this for so long, and I'm exhausted.  I just want to get better, I want to stop feeling like every day is a battle.  I want to be okay. 
I want the pain to stop.

But I can get through this.  I'll keep telling myself I'll be okay, and eventually, things will be good again.  I'm strong; I'm a fighter.  So I will fight like hell to get healthy.  It just might be the biggest fight of my life.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

"You're beautiful; you're worth more than harming yourself."
            - Demi Lovato

I know I've been saying how much things have been improving, but I think it's just been recently that I've started to honestly believe I'm worth more than what I had spent so long doing to myself.  Hard to believe it's takent this long; but I guess it's all just part of the healing process.

Monday, February 13, 2012

"You are the best thing that's ever been mine."
         
            - Taylor Swift

Sunday, February 12, 2012

"I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my ever after."

          - Marianas Trench

Thursday, February 2, 2012

:)

Things have been pretty busy lately.  Mostly with school - just continuing to work on getting caught up on everything, as well as taking a stats course that while I understand what I'm learning, it's turning out to be pretty time consuming.

I also got a kitten two and a half weeks ago!  His name is Dallas and he'll be ten weeks old this weekend.  He's the cutest little thing...he loves to cuddle, but there are also times when he has ridiculous amounts of energy and will literally just run in circles around the living room. 
Him and Tonka (my puggle) are getting along great, too.  They're actually cuddling on the couch right now, curled up next to each other...both fast asleep.

This afternoon I went rollerblading for the first time in years, and I lived!  I went about 40 minutes, and loved it.  It was a great break from doing my stats homework.  :)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Here We Go Again

I think things are finally getting back on track for me.  It's been one hell of a month.

I've been really struggling with myself lately, and just with life in general.  I've been doing a lot of things I shouldn't, like avoiding the people I need to surround myself with most.  Completely isolating myself.  I think that's about the most unhealthy thing I can do for myself right now.

I came so close to relapsing back into my self-destructive ways.  There have been several times in the past couple weeks where it would have been so easy for me to either pick up a blade or get completely smashed.  But somehow, with the help of whatever higher power or god or whatever it is watching over me, I didn't.  I'm not drunk, and I haven't hurt myself.

Today, I started getting back into good habits.  Went out this afternoon with friends, and actually socialized.  I did a lot of thinking, made some decisions. 

And on Tuesday, I'll still be able to celebrate 8 months free of self-harming.  :)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Change

I actually wrote this on December 21, but I'm just posting this now.  It's kind of about how much things have changed in the past year or so.

***

I was just thinking about something I wrote about a year ago.  I was a complete wreck.  Reading it, I could hardly even understand myself.  My thoughts were so jumbled then, all just one big mess.  Even for being drunk…I was a mess.

So now I can’t help thinking about how different I am this year.  I feel like I’m more of a complete person.  Less of being someone who just wants to spend the holidays drunk, less of someone who deferred exams a year ago because they were high on codeine for most of a month then wrote them drunk in January.  I’m now someone who cares.

I care about a lot of things now.  I care about my life more than I think I ever have in the entire 21 years of my existence.  The fact that I’m still alive, after everything that’s happened, honestly amazes me.  I still sometimes wonder how it’s even remotely possible.  But it must be possible, because here I am, still breathing.  Still above ground.

I care about my future.  And not just in the career sense.  Sure I’m studying psychology at school, and eventually, I want to become a clinical psychologist so I can hopefully help people get through things like I had to get through.  But that’s not the only thing in my future I care about.  I want to live a long, happy, healthy life.  And I’m doing things now for my health that will help that happen.  Swimming has become one of the big things I do for my health…I love it, it’s the best way to relieve stress.  And eating healthy, of course is a big one.  Hey, you can’t be healthy if you don’t have healthy habits.  :)

I care about the people around me.  I have the most amazing boyfriend, and the fact that he’s stuck with me while I’ve been to hell and back, just amazes me.  There are times when I’ve screwed up massively and been basically a terrible person, and I sometimes wonder how I deserve someone so wonderful.  My brother is growing up to be a really amazing person, and my sister….well, I see more of myself in her every day.   Without a doubt, I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for these people.

I never expected my life to turn out this way.  I didn’t expect to have so much in my past.  But my life began to change last spring, and although there have been some pretty unbelievable ups and downs, this has been a year of growth.  This has been a year of getting to know who I am and who I want to be.  And a year of those two things slowly inching closer together.

Slowly, I’m becoming a happier person.  My moods are becoming more balanced, and I’ve learned to honestly take care of myself and act like a responsible adult. 

Reflecting upon all this stuff, I’m pretty emotional.  I have tears in my eyes as I’m typing this.

I’m stronger than I was a year ago.  There’s no doubt about it. 

And I’m so much less manipulative, and more honest.  I’ve learned that there are some things I just can’t control, and that trying to do everything on my own is impossible.  I’ve learned that being alone is a choice, and that lonely is something I never have to be if I don’t want to be.

I think I’ve learned that if I want to, and if I try to stay positive, I can get through anything.

And most of all, life is pretty beautiful when I let it be.

Quite a contrast to last year’s Christmas.