It's kind of late, and I kind of can't sleep, so I'm attempting to write something to kind of process my thoughts. Ugh, I'm so tired, and want to sleep so badly, but I just can't... I feel so frustrated.
The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster, just constantly up and down, and I haven't really been able to figure out why. Nothing in my life has changed recently, at least not significantly. I'm feeling frustrated with myself, frustrated with the mood swings, and just frustrated with things in general.
I've been kind of letting my mind explore all day, but can't come up with anything that would explain this. But now I've gotten to thinking about myself and my thinking habits. I don't think anyone else is the problem, I think I am the problem. I'm an indecisive person, and have an impossible time feeling absolutely 100% sure of anything, ever. Three months ago today, I made the decision to get help and was voluntarily admitted to the hospital for ten days. Since then, I've been staying (mostly) healthy.
The problem is, I have a long history of being a pretty self-destructive person. When things are going well, I seem to almost get bored of it, and anything can become an excuse for a relapse. I don't mean the issues with hypomania/depression, that's a whole other story. I mean, if my life is going well, it's like recovery stops being a huge priority. I just kind of... lose my focus on getting better, and then it's only a matter of time until I let all my old habits take over.
Right now, I've just realized that I'm letting this happen again. I've lost my focus... my bedtime has been slipping back a little later each night, I'm less conscious of the foods I'm putting into my body, and I've stopped caring about making any progress in therapy.
Recovery is supposed to be a daily battle, and I've stopped fighting.
Which makes me realize... what I'm going through right now, in a sense, is my own fault. I hate saying it, but the reality is, I can fuck around and blame whoever I want for as long as I want, but that doesn't change what this is. This is something I got myself into.
I let my indecisiveness in almost every other aspect of my life drift into the most important thing I've done for myself in my entire existence... which, given my past experiences, is a pretty fucking dangerous thing to screw around with. Instead of sticking with my decision to get better, I've started questioning it. Like... Do I really want to get better? What if I don't? What if I'm better off back where I started? etc etc etc
Yes, I've got a lot of shit going on in my life right now, but I think my absolute biggest source of frustration is myself. And I fucking hate admitting that, because it fucking hurts. And it drives me absolutely insane to know that nobody in my life has ever hurt me as much as I've hurt myself.
If anyone else treated me the way I've treated myself, quite frankly, I wouldn't have taken that shit for very long.
The worst part, though, is that I spend so much time going in circles with this stuff.. like, yes, I've done some pretty terrible things to myself, which makes me very frustrated with myself.. and then I get angry with myself for that, and it just.... I do not know how to be okay with myself. At all. I'm trying, but I'm not there yet.
I hate that I'm not okay right now. I hate the way realizing this makes me feel. And emotions kind of terrify me in their own kind of way.
And I hate that I can't just stick with my decision to get better. How fucking ridiculous is it that I feel better when I'm sick? As in, it's much more comfortable. That's where the indecisiveness comes in even more.. do I want to live a long and healthy life? Or a shorter one that, while miserable, will at least allow me to stay in my current comfort zone?
I really need to get back on track with my recovery, but right now, I feel like I don't even know how. Scratch that. It's not that I don't know how. It's that I don't want to be uncomfortable.
But... I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, because I know I'm sick of going in circles, and I know that if I can push through this, that will make it easier the next time it happens. If I let myself keep moving backwards, then I know that in three months, I'll be sitting here feeling the same way, having exactly the same fight with myself.
I'm sick of fighting with myself over the same old bullshit. I need to stay strong. I will stay strong.