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Tuesday, July 15, 2014


I seriously hate to admit this, but I've found myself feeling like I'm in a depression.  Again.  I'm frustrated to be back here again, and I absolutely hate the way this feels.

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to talk, I don't want to write, I basically don't want to do anything that might help me. 
But I am doing all those things, I am trying to help myself.  And the truth is, it fucking sucks.  Trying to help myself when I feel so depressed that I don't want to be helped is extremely difficult.  But I'm trying, because I have to.  I'm trying, because I don't want this to be my whole story.  I'm trying, because I've been through worse, and I know it will get better again (even if it doesn't feel like it right now).

I also have to confess, I did cut today.  Four times.  I am not at all happy with this, I am not proud.  I'm actually very ashamed of it, and I think the only reason I'm writing about it is because shame is a terrible thing to feel, and if I don't acknowledge it, it will eat me alive.

This relapse happened for a lot of reasons, and I'd be lying if I didn't see it coming.  I'd be lying if I said I did everything in my power to stop it before it got to this point.  But I did let it get to this point, and now the only thing left to do is ride it out and know it isn't forever.

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