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Monday, February 10, 2014

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even..

So this really hasn't been a great week.  Really.  I'm kind of at that point where, honestly, all I want is for someone to just give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of... just everything.  And then the past few days, there are a whole bunch of (not so) little things that are just building up on top of all the other things I've been dealing with.  Ugh.

And after two hospitalizations in the past few months, I have to admit that my faith in myself has been shaken.  Maybe a little more than shaken (but I'm working on rebuilding it, I promise).  I keep reminding myself that everything I'm going through is a human experience.. I mean, even though I'm dealing with bipolar disorder, I am human.  And that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle.  Yeah, I said God.

I'm not a religious person, but I do have faith that there is some sort of higher power up there.  Or out there.  Somewhere.  I mean, after everything that has happened in the past decade of my life, and the fact that I'm still here, on this earth, living and breathing and existing.. and trying to build a life for myself while struggling with the indecisiveness that I know probably the majority of 20 somethings do.. there are a lot of things that I haven't yet opened up about in this blog, but I do believe that the fact that I'm still here is nothing short of a miracle.  And the fact that I'm recovering from the demons I have faced (and often still do face), is probably an even bigger miracle.

I guess what I'm getting at is.. I have faith.  It's really not any more complicated than that.

So when things happen like right now, where everything feels like a struggle, well, to be honest, I've found myself doing a lot of praying lately.  I don't even know who or what I'm praying to, but I know that the majority of what I'm going through right now is entirely out of my control.  Call me crazy, but that little bit of faith that maybe there's someone or something out there that may or may not be looking out for me, helps me stay strong enough to get through it all in one piece.

Maybe it's crazy, maybe it's late at night, or maybe, just maybe, it's all going to be okay.  One day, one step, one minute, one [insert anything else], at a time.

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