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Friday, February 24, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not as strong as I tell myself I am. 

I'm really struggling tonight, to be totally honest.  I don't even know why; it's not like anything bad has happened.  Not much has happened at all. 

And yet, somehow, I'm sitting here, alone, and that voice in the back of my head is telling me that it would be okay if I cut, just once.  That nobody would have to know.  It's the most twisted messed up type of's like a game my brain plays with itself.  Like a war to see which will outweight the other; my growth in the past year and the knowledge that I can do better for myself, or the addiction.

I feel like I've put on a brave face for a lot of the people around me.  I want my driver's license, so I pretend everything is fine when I go to the psychiatrist.  I don't want friends to worry, so again, I pretend I'm fine.

But it feels like a part of me is broken.

I've been fighting this for so long, and I'm exhausted.  I just want to get better, I want to stop feeling like every day is a battle.  I want to be okay. 
I want the pain to stop.

But I can get through this.  I'll keep telling myself I'll be okay, and eventually, things will be good again.  I'm strong; I'm a fighter.  So I will fight like hell to get healthy.  It just might be the biggest fight of my life.

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