Lately, I have struggled. I have been fighting myself constantly not to hurt myself, but the healing process can often be pretty rough.
Somehow, I've managed to not give in to my addiction (self-harming). I constantly have to remind myself of the story behind my tattoos. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't ever want to go there again.
I think I understand a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm 21, stuck at "home" with the parents for the summer, and still can't drive. I miss London, I want to go back to the place I really consider home now. Here doesn't feel like home, even though I spent the first 19 years of my life here. It feels like I'm just taking up space at this point.
I miss freedom, I miss independence, I miss being able to do what I want when I want. I miss privacy.
In two months, I will be back in London.
Though honestly, the thought of going back there scares me....I need to do well in school this year if I really want the future I'm trying to plan for myself. And after two years of pretty much hell, being able to function like a "normal person" sounds like heaven. That's all I really want right now. I'm worried about what the stress will do to me...but at the same time, I want that BA Honours Specialization in Psychology like...nothing else. It has to happen.
I think I should spend more time focusing on that...on the positives. The good things I want to do with my life. Try to let go of some of the negatives that keep making me doubt myself. It's hard.
I know this is basically a long rambling rant with no real purpose now. It's been a long week.