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Sunday, May 1, 2011

It hurts to say, but...

If I could say one thing to my addiction to self-harm right now, if I could say one thing to "the blade," it would be something like this...

I wrote you a letter, and it took almost forever to do. It took a long time to simply write the words "dear addiction" at the top of the page, even longer to write the words that came after; the words that have been eating at my soul for the past six years.

You were there for me when I needed you, and to be honest, there are days when I still feel that I need you. The logical part of my brain asks me constantly, "Why on Earth did you start this in the first place?" At the same time, however, I know that I need to see this for what it is ... an addiction.

I am addicted to you, self-harm. There. I said it. It has taken me several years, but I have finally admitted to myself that you control me. You have controlled me for a long time.
Admitting it is always step one, right?

So maybe I can get past step one. Maybe there is a lot more I can do for myself that isn't just telling myself that I'm "not normal," because let's be honest here - normal is just an ideal we have in our heads, one that doesn't exist in reality (and if it does exist, it's really rare ... which I guess makes it not so normal).
The truth is, self-harm, you may have hindered so many aspects of my life, but at the same time, you can't hold me down forever. And you haven't destroyed everything. You can't.
Because frankly, you are not strong enough to ruin me.
And I, on the other hand, am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So, addiction, I can win this fight. Even if my "step one" has taken me over six years, I know that eventually I can (and you better believe I will) beat you.
Every day is one day closer to a life without you.
Each decision, each moment, each painful experience ... it's all a process.
It's all for recovery from you.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. You're the most inspiring person I know.